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His only regret is not knowing what regret feels like.
When in Rome, they do as HE does
He is considered a national treasure in countries he’s never visited.
He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice
He can kill two stones with one bird
When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
His lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph
He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels
He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks
If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits
Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect
He has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks
In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
If he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.
Freemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshake.
He played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won
He is the life of parties that he has never attended
He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle
His organ donation card also lists his beard
He is left-handed. And right-handed
Sharks have a week dedicated to him
Presidents take his birthday off
Time waits on no one, but him
He never wears a watch because time is always on his side
He taught Chuck Norris martial arts
When he holds a lady’s purse, he looks manly
He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body
Superman has pijamas with his logo
If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
He once went to the psychic, to warn her
His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him.
Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
His passport requires no photograph
He gave his father “the talk”
He can speak Russian… in French
His signature won a Pulitzer
Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
The dark is afraid of him
If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
He bowls overhand
A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush
He once started a fire using only dental floss and water
Roses stop to smell him
Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him
He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian
Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him
When he was young he once sent his parents to his room
His blood smells like cologne
When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls
His shadow has been on the ‘best dressed’ list twice
Two countries went to war to dispute HIS nationality
His pillow is cool on BOTH sides
The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIM
His mother has a tattoo that says “Son”
His shirts never wrinkle
Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores
His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the bermuda triangle
He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders
His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him
The police often question him, just because they find him interesting
He has never walked into a spider web
The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASA
He’s never lost a game of chance
He once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back
His wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather
Cars look both ways for him, before driving down a street
His 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
He once taught a german shepherd how to bark in Spanish
The Holy Grail is looking for him
Werewolves are jealous of his beard
Once he ran a marathon because it was “on the way”
He was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were his
Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
The circus ran away to join him
He once made a weeping willow laugh
He is allowed to talk about the fight club
His sweat is the cure for the common cold
While swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right hand
If he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would
He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
Panhandlers give him money
He once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t take
His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
He once won the world series of poker using UNO cards
He has inside jokes with people he’s never met.
Bear hugs are what he gives bears
Even his tree houses have fully finished basements
He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool